Reflections

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Since I'm terrible about keeping a journal, I felt like I needed to get it down. I figured that sharing it on my blog may help others who are feeling the same way I am.

First Thought:
Our life in New York was hard. I hated the city and I hated the cost of the city. But, I am so grateful for the trials we had there and the lessons we learned from them. It was the most I've ever grown and in such a short time. Right before we moved, I started a book by Neal A. Maxwell: "If Thou Endure It Well." It's a book about trials- why we have them, understanding the learning opportunities in them, etc. I still haven't finished because it's one of those books that is packed with things that open my mind in a whole new way; this makes it a heavy & slow read. But I have come to understand a lot about trials and every time I read it I felt like I could say, "Okay Heavenly Father. I have ALOT to learn in life and I know that is best achieved through trials. So give me what you think I need. I'm ready to change." Because I do want to change. My list of weaknesses could fill a book. Some are learned behaviors that I picked up from a young age from those around me, some are inherent in my character, and some I'm sure I've just been given from the Lord in order to help me learn. I love the scripture in Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." 

So I'm trying to humble myself before the Lord (way better option than having Him humble you!), have faith in His plan for me, and have hope that my weaknesses will be turned to strengths and that I'll become the person I really want to be. The only way I can achieve this is through faithful & patient endurance- I'm learning that I can't set goals to get rid of my weaknesses by December; it's likely these weaknesses will shadow me in life until that shadow gets smaller and smaller and then disappears or turns into something better. And I can't blame God or get upset at Him when He sends a learning opportunity my way. In the meantime I have to learn to love myself- something I've never been good at. I have to stop beating myself up when I make a mistake. Why is this part so hard?

Second Thought:
A couple of Sundays ago, we had ward conference and our Bishop talked about living an extraordinary life- accomplishing service that has a long lasting and far reaching affect on society. He spoke of a man in Africa who took notice of how the farms worked and then came up with ways to improve efficiency and yield more= more $. The family farm is prosperous and he was able to put money towards opening a hospital for the community. But there was a famine during the building of it, so it was put on hold. The famine got bad and people in his community would take their children and just start walking to find food. Many of them were found dead on the roads. So heartbreaking. When outside organizations tried to bring in food through the corrupt government, it didn't make it into the hands of the people so they approached this man and asked if he would be the one to distribute it. He felt the heavy responsibility of this task, but he accepted. He used the partly completed hospital as the HQ to distribute food and thousands flocked to get food. He saved thousands of people's lives.  My bishop taught that if we helped just a small number of people a year in a significant way and those people helped others and those people helped others, our impact could be felt by millions. But the problem is that we often overlook making those significant differences. True consecration. As Neal A. Maxwell explains, some "members are 'honorable' but not 'valiant'. These 'honorable' individuals are certainly not miserable or wicked, nor are they unrighteous and unhappy. It is not what they have done but what they have left undone that is amiss. For example, if valiant, they could touch others deeply instead of merely being remembered pleasantly."

What is it Heavenly Father wants me to do? Because there is something more to do. I know that raising Auralia is very important, as well as being a good and supportive wife to Tyron, and serving in the church. But I feel like there's more to do. It's easy to settle into safety and security at home and put blinders on to the outside; I often tell myself that I'm doing enough. But am I? What about making that significant impact? Where am I doing that? Last fall I experienced several nights where I couldn't sleep because my mind was racing with something that I feel passionate about- helping abused children. At Christmas I told my mom & sister about it and my sister mentioned an organization called "CASA". You can volunteer and become a children advocate in court for abused & neglected children since children are often treated as the pawns in divorces, the burden of wicked parents, the easy target for society and yet they often are left without a voice to fight for their rights against these people. During Elder Oaks talk in Oct 2012 General Conference, I wanted to stand up and shout AMEN!!!

I remember feeling like CASA was what I needed to do, the difference I needed to make. It was peace to my mind. But, remember my weaknesses stated above? Those have held me back along with my current trials. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Sometimes it all feels like too much, and I find myself slipping into a coma of fear, frustration, and being overwhelmed. So I continue to pray, wondering what it is that I'm to do. Do I keep my cards close and play them strategically and methodically? Or do I risk it all and lay them out on the table and just go for it realizing that utter failure could be moments away? Will my strengths sustain me long term if I do the latter? Or will my failure be the lesson in this?

I don't have the answers to any of my questions. But I continue to pray and to search. Search myself and discover what I'm truly made of. Search for what my true potential is and who I'm supposed to be.